Loss

I received some very sad news this morning.

I learned friend of mine, who I hadn’t seen in a very long time, passed away.

He was young, just 39.

Thirty-nine. Too young to leave this world.

Every memory of him came flooding back to me. His smile, his laugh, how he loved his guitars. The nights we sat up till dawn talking and listening to music. We were so close for so many years. Flashes came back like mini movies in my head.

Rick liked to party. He liked to party a little too much. As the years rolled along and we all grew older, got married, had kids, we kind of settled down. Rick never settled down. Yes he had kids, but that never seemed to stop the partier in him.

He had 2 little girls. He lost one baby boy when he was just 8 months old. Had an industrial accident that cost him 3 of his fingers. No more guitar playing for the man that loved it so much. That must have shattered him. He went through some really rough years.

I can’t count the number of time I begged him to stop drinking. “Your liver won’t be able to take this forever,” I said to him. Those exact words and I find out this morning that he was waiting for a liver transplant.

I tried to save him so many times. I couldn’t understand why he wouldn’t let me help him. Eventually it was too painful for me to watch him destroy himself and our friendship faded. I still asked mutual friends about him. I still cared, I just couldn’t put myself through it anymore. Slowly watching him die. It was more than I could take.

So when I heard the news part of me wasn’t shocked at all. I knew this day would come sooner than it should, but it still didn’t stop the hurt I felt.

I lost it in the car during my lunch hour. Cried for the part of me that felt like I let him down. The part that should have tried harder. For those two little girls who no longer have a father, the mother and father who lost their son, sisters who lost their brother. Cried for me.

I always try to see the good in people, even when it’s hard, even when you have to strive to find it. I saw the good in Rick, I just wish he could have seen it in himself.