Wednesday, December 4, 2013
It's been one year today.
365 days since he's been gone.
During those first few months I thought I'd never feel happy again. I felt like my heart was breaking. The passing of this little dog turned my whole world upside down. I can't even bring myself to think about the last time we saw him. It's just too painful. Just typing this has left me struggling to see the screen through my tears.
I remember in the days after he was gone telling people that I couldn't celebrate Christmas this year. How could I be happy and joyful without him in my life? I was truly devastated.
I cried. Oh how I cried. Barely holding it together at work. Choking back tears at every movie or commercial with a dog in it. Almost jealous when I saw friends with their pets. Feeling horrible for all the times I scolded him for being underfoot, or trying to sneak food. All the little day to day things that changed our daily life creeping up on me, making me feel so down.
Then came the firsts. The birthdays without him. The first time he wasn't there to sing (howl) every time we started to sing Happy Birthday. The first time he wasn't with us in the yard, laying in the shade as we tended to the garden, jumping in the leaves, napping on the deck, walking with us in the woods. I can't tell you how many times John would find me just sitting in a flood of tears, overcome with memories and sadness.
I must have said "I miss him" a thousand times since last December and John always replies "I miss him too".
I still have his tattered bunny on my bureau. I still pick it up and breathe him in, knowing that the day will come when I can't smell him anymore. A lock of his hair in a box, his collar and sweaters still in a big basket on top of an armoire. I can't bare to part with them. I don't want to have every little piece of him vanish.
So. yes, it's been a year and I wish I could say that I don't miss him quite so much, or that my heart still doesn't sink a little when John opens the door and he's not running ahead of him to greet me, or that I don't wake up and for a millisecond put my foot down and expect to feel his furry back under my feet.
He was my constant companion, my foot warmer, my snuggler, my precious Moose.
Many people have asked us why we haven't gotten another dog. There are days when I long for another and all the things I miss about having a pup, but we just can't right now. The thought of going through this again is just unbearable. I can't say that we will never have another dog in our lives again, but right now the pain is still too raw.
I miss him. I miss him so much.