Monday, May 18, 2015

Why I haven't been around much.....

Some of you may have noticed that I haven’t been around for a bit. Well, I had a bit of a health crisis. On May 5th I felt a lump in my left breast. I cannot begin to tell you what that moment felt like. I was standing in front of the bathroom mirror, feeling it over and over again. I have a lump in my breast. This is really happening. I was a little terrified; I’m not going to lie. I immediately told John. “it could be nothing” he said. “It could be something” I said.

So Thursday I went to my primary care doc. She did a breast exam and didn’t seem overly concerned about it. Yes it’s a lump, but it was soft and movable. Good signs she told me but I needed to go get a diagnostic mammogram immediately. So off I went on Thursday. I had the mammogram, was asked to take a seat while the radiologist looked at it and them. She came back about 5 minutes later and said that they would need a few more scans. After a few more scans I headed to the radiologist and had an ultrasound. She informed me that the doc would be in to look for herself. So I laid there for what seemed like an eternity looking up at the beach scene that was painted on one of the overhead tiles in the ceiling and I tried to stop myself from crying, but it didn’t work. A few minutes later the doctor came in and she told me that they found a mass and it wasn’t a cyst. I would have to come back for a biopsy to determine if it was indeed cancerous. My doctor called me as I was leaving the hospital. “How are you?” she asked. “Well, I’m kind of freaking out a bit” I told her. She’s a straight shooter my doc. I admire that quality in her. She told me “Look, I want you to know that the radiologist said that she is concerned that it is a cancerous lump”. I sat on the bench outside of the hospital shaking. I don’t even remember the ride home. The next morning I was back for my core biopsy. I was told I would get the results in 3 – 5 days and was sent home to ice the incision for the rest of the day.

3 – 5 days of waiting. Let me tell you. Those were 5 of the worst days of my life. Waiting and waiting for results. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t sleeping. My mind never stopped. The “what-if’s” were never ending. The mental torture that I was putting myself through was unbearable. I cried and cried, uncontrollably at times. I tried to keep busy. John and I worked in the yard every night after work until it was dark. My main goal was to keep myself occupied because once I stopped and started to think about how my life could change with these results, I just lost it. I was never more nervous. I didn’t tell my parents. I didn’t want them to worry. Keeping all this a secret from my mom was so hard.

Sunday night I got the call from my doctor. The results had come in on Saturday. She didn’t expect them so soon. She told me it was breast cancer, but the good news was the tumor was smaller than they thought. I will probably need a lumpectomy and they will look at my lymph nodes and we will take it from there but she was very positive about it. One step at a time. She said “with your attitude I have no doubt that you will come out of this entire thing ok”. So that is where it stands right now. I don’t know if I’ll be blogging very much. Can’t say what I am going to do right now. I haven’t cooked in a week! The worst part of all this was the worrying and waiting. It was pure torture. Knowing WHAT I have to deal with is so much easier than not knowing. I can deal with this. I can beat this. I am very confident. I know that I have a tough road ahead, but I also know I can handle it.

Thank you to my amazing husband who always stands by my side. He has been my rock through all this. I wish every woman facing this kind of a crisis could have the same kind of support he has given me.

I would like to mention one last thing. To every woman out there who has put off their yearly appointment at the doctors, who has skipped their yearly mammogram, who thinks “it will never happen to me”, please, please, please I beg of you, get a checkup, do your monthly breast checks, have your yearly pap smears. It can happen to you and early detection can save your life.

My heart is still full of love, more so than ever now. I have an incredible family and loving friends who are always in my corner. Life is still beautiful, maybe even a little bit more so now than ever.

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